The Toilet Theory Of Universe

It’s been an unusual day for Dr.Ashween. All those years of contempt and heinous underestimation by his colleagues seemed to hit a dead end. Just like that sweet river water surrenders itself to the mother ocean after completing its horrendous journey-the day has come, his day of payback. He raises his timid head to feel the sky through the white ceiling. Closing his shiny eyes he concludes that the great God dilemma is going to end forever.
He whispered softly “Eureka…Eureka…” releasing his warm, happy breadth rhythmically while the dopamine and adrenaline turned busy converting his regular dull shady face into a sparkling satisfied stoic.

Wearing his rare dimpled smile, stretched close to his jawline Dr.Ashween Gnani threw himself out of his office inducing a stressed pinch to everyone around. He was a totally different man to the viewers. Even the face sensors at the corners might have confused looking at this strange pattern on his face. He looked like he had won a billion-dollar lottery, walked like a celebrity on the red carpet and everyone’s attention never seemed to overwhelm his excitement. His joy flourished through his fancy walk, the way looked clear and his enemy was expected any time soon.
“It really is my lucky day to see you like this,” said Mudassir Haq with his teasing smile and continued “Did you have a date with an alien? Or did you look at any bikini woman on the beaches with that stupid telescope?”.
Dr.Ashween laughed and patted on Haq’s shoulder looking behind his back.
“Small boy’s talk..ha,” Ashween said with some seriousness “I don’t have time for this shit. See you later”.
Haq was embarrassed and impressed too for this competing behavior. He left the way to spread this insane act to everyone around. He was a spy assigned by bored-out colleagues to provide them with real-time information about Dr.Ashwin’s mood swings.

Carrying a rolled paper in his hand and a thousand thoughts popping in his mind Dr.Ashween with his shiny blue eyes is racing towards the head office to meet the President of NASA. His nose shines along the way and his dark black short hair erect with a swipe of his palm mixed with the forehead sweat were about to witness something new. His eyes were focused on the wall at the extreme end and his R&D office vanished from behind and he seemed to smell the President sitting in his chair with his favorite carrot juice “I smell victory” he said to himself and accelerates looking at the portraits of astronomic giants from Galileo to Stephen Hawking stuck to the wall.

With a few blocks left to reach the office in that huge building, the rolled paper in his hand began absorbing the downpour of sweat from his palm and the intensity of bumping thoughts increased. Among all that chaos in his head, a dominant thought rose to uphold a flag of victory said “Lemme show these freaks what I am made of”. He felt his throat turning tight preparing for a perfect conversation. Tilting his tie left and right he marched in front of the office to be stopped by a security guard in his fifties whose mustache protruded like teeth of walrus.
Taking a step in front, the guard said casually “it would be appropriate if you turn up after two hours”. Dr.Ashween looked puzzled and the guard continued “The president is busy in a meeting with the board of directors. I am ordered not to allow even if the President’s own mother arrives.”

The guard has made his point and Dr.Ashween was left with no option but to withdraw which went totally against his instinct. He knew that the meeting would take a whole day and the next few days, the President would be out of the country. He had to move in but he was in no shape to face the guard physically. He stood there in front of the guard looking at the huge door making himself vulnerable to the doubts in the guard’s mind. The guard with the name tag “Sheldon Raj” released his folded arms and placed one of them on the stick attached to his belt.

Instead of anger, sympathy seemed to conquer Sheldon Raj’s emotions as he saw sparkling pebbles of tears rolling down from Dr.Ashween’s eyes. “Are you all right sir?” asked the guard taking his hands off the stick with no response from the other side.
Dr.Ashween pressing his chest, tightly bent his spine facing the floor began faking a heart attack. It was natural and believable for his weak body and thin hands. Alerted, the guard ran towards him and sat below him looking at his reddened face. He took out his walkie-talkie and dialed for medical help. Anticipating this very moment Dr.Ashwin tossed himself up, pushed the guard to the floor and ran towards the door uncontrollably, and banged on it creating a serious sound of impact only to fall back on the same side, half-conscious, too late to realize that the door was locked from the inside.

The guard who fell back stretching both of his arms like Jesus christ woke up like he was given a shock to his fading heart and ran towards Ashween.
“Are you insane? Or Do you want me to lose this job?” he cried with agitation and remembered that the medic he called hadn’t gone in vain. Partially conscious about his surroundings, Dr. Ashween couldn’t map out the development around him. His forehead was bulged, which looked like a soaked heap of red mud. The blunt realization that he couldn’t make through that door appeared to have no compromise with the pain leading him to surrender into the world of unconsciousness.

The color white radiated around him like he was surrounded by a white ocean reflecting the white sky. He suddenly closed his eyes to have a moment for his retina to reconfigure the situation he was in. His mind was pitch black, with no thoughts except the growing anxiety.
“You can open your eyes now,” a voice so pleasant and so divine came out like a God talking from the sky.
“Who are you?” asked Dr.Ashween with a stressed tone still his eyes closed.
“Don’t be sad, you haven’t reached heaven yet” came the same voice with a pinch of humor.
“Don’t be so kind, heaven and hell or for those who are incompetent to prosper in their life” Dr. Ashween tried to open his eyes, but they shut back at the intensity of light. “Ah! This hurts”
“Being kind is my job” said the voice and came forward to massage his eyes making way for his optical neurons to make some connection with the brain.
He saw neatly arranged white hospital beds, a white curtain over the sunlit window, and a white old doctor with his white chest hair and a white coat. He began to feel his body, laying pressed to the smoothest bed. He saw his arm was attached to the saline tube, his headache was reduced to bits and the memories of facing the guard and banging the door went on like a train on his memory rails.
“How long have I been here?” he asked, and the doctor took the seat beside his bed with a mood-healing smile.
“Not how long!” the doctor said, ” How many times, would make the perfect question?”
He gazed at his watch for a moment and announced that he had been resting unconscious for nearly two hours.
“Really! Two hours?” he exclaimed “I need to get back to the office, the meeting might have been over by now”. He squandered away the bed sheet from his body and made a dire attempt to remove the saline only to get interrupted by the guard who stood standing there like a sculpture wearing the look of a beast watching its prey.
“If you both of done with your childish talks, can I speak now?” the guard said “The President wants to talk to you” he declared and moved back carrying the same scary stare.

Resisted by the doctor, Dr.Ashween forced himself to visit the office with saline still attached to his arm sitting in a wheelchair. Regaining his excitement that looked to overthrow all his pain along with the passing wind, he moved faster. The same path and the same portraits made him smile.
He entered the office mixed with happiness and nervousness. He rolled inside to see the President Dr. Stone, a thick black-bearded, thin-eyes wearing golden framed round glasses and a fatless stomach stuck back to the chair, in front of whom sat six board members, three on each side.
The president nodded his head twice folding hands under his armpits trying to make Dr.Ashween comfortable. He took out his eyeglasses, examined them, and wore them back. Dr.Ashween on the other hand was staring at the clock behind the President’s head that was about to strike 11.
“Hello There!” the President waved his hand. “Everything all right young man?” he asked “Look, we don’t mean to disturb you, if you want some rest, you can go back”
Dr.Ashween shot at once “No!”, the scream echoed twice before vanishing into thin air. “I am perfectly balanced, Thank you,” he said with a gratified voice and threw an awkward smile trying to ease the situation.
“In that case, define balanced?” asked the President taking a squashed paper out of his coat pocket and slapped it on the table changing his expression from active listener to skeptic filtering every word of his opponent.

It was the paper that he carried from his office, he couldn’t recall the exact moment he slipped it off. As per his vision comply at present, he could see that the words on it were scattered into shapeless form due to his sweat, but the headline was still intact.
“THE TOILET THEORY OF UNIVERSE!” The President read, cleaned his spectacles rubbing them hard on his coat, then on his thighs, and finally with a clean cloth. “I suggest you spend some time with a psychiatrist Doctor Ashween, I can understand what you are going through. You stay alone, you are humiliated by your colleagues, you spend a lot of time on that terrace. I only wish for you to not commit suicide.”
There was a brief pause with everyone looking at Dr.Ashween, the clocks ticking punctuated the silence, it was singing a song, a song of destiny, and a new beginning for Ashween.
Dr.Ashween raised his head and looked confident “First of all sir, I am very comfortable being alone and if you are judging
me by that paper in front of you, brace yourself, for I have everything you would be glad for you to hear.”
“Are you serious?” the President picket the paper again and this time he read too loud in a sarcastic tone”The Toiled Theory Of Universe, have you got chased and bitten by a mad dog again or something?” and all the men around the table laughed on their own strength without disturbing others.
Dr.Ashween was in no mood to give up, rebuked “Our basic understanding of our universe is a lie, the chaos embedded in every particle made us draw different conclusions while completely ignoring the bigger picture.”
Everyone’s face was now pulled towards Dr.Ashween, they saw him with dumb admiration, confused whether to pursue his words or not, some of the bent spines were straightened.
“With due respect sir!” began Dr.Ashween “I just need five uninterrupted minutes and if I don’t convince you with that theory, I resign.”
These unanticipated words sent a slight shock wave around the room, like an announcement of a tornado far away from home. Everyone looked at each other with a mixed expression, but one common feature was to give him a chance, by the way, it was too interesting to let go.
The President said after nodding to the directors.
“You better make it count”

Dr.Ashween was on his own, he faced down to his feet and took a deep breath, and lifted his head up sighing as if the air was pushing it up.
‘I have a good feeling about this’ he said to himself and began addressing.
“On 1977, NASA sent a voyager installed with a Golden Record to greet the aliens right?” He looked around and realized that he shouldn’t be asking the question. Nodding himself, he continued “After 30 years, we lost its contact and we know that it is still on the move, but” he stressed “a few days ago, I witnessed strange radiation of light from the northern edge of the Milky Way Galaxy, and that is the place the voyager moved and lost its contact

“At first, I believed that it was a supernova going through an explosion, but the story was different, it looks like we have alien friends from the outer rim of our galaxy” he paused and the chatter among the directors with the President wearing unbelievable expression bent forward said, “How is that radiation of light source is even related to the existence of aliens?”
“Well! That’s where I worked on for hours,” Dr.Ashween began boldly “The radiation looked simple, but it had a pattern, a pattern too difficult to realize. The colors it emitted were according to the wavelength intended to send a scripted message. It held the secret of our universe. Of course! Numbers alone can’t say a story, when I converted those digits to binary and fed them into the software I developed to decode them, the secret opened up like a Pandora box. Looks like our alien friends are far more advanced than us.”
The President asked “What was the message? Did they plan to attack earth?” he giggled closing his mouth, enjoying every moment of it.
“If they had intended to attack, considering their eminent technology, we would have been floating in the dust by now. Instead!” he shot up “Instead of attacking, they seem to worship the knowledge by sharing what they know.”

Dr.Ashween had all the control, even the President was stuck as a puppet under his mind throbbing words. He found that the saline was emptying, he removed the needle and gulped half the water from the bottle. He was filled up with all the enthusiasm arising from the core of his body.
“When Galileo’s vision palpitated the basic understanding of our solar system, those incredible facts cost his life. Newton’s law of gravity, one of the human’s greatest leaps towards astronomy was found fragile when Einstein came up with his General theory of relativity. Stephen Hawking proved that Einstein’s theory broke at the point of singularity during the Big bang and a black hole. Until now, nobody knows what happened or what existed before the Big Bang. The scientific minds will be getting whiplashes by God’s people until we come out with an answer. The answer so credible, concrete and can even be stupid to change the world of astronomy forever.”

The speech had his air suppressed below his throat. He stood unbuttoning his collar, the wind from the fan showered the skin on his backhead, the sweat on his forehead crystallized slowly, the warm air from his nose married with the cool wind. Dr.Ashween once again felt his voice getting brisk, and the pain of the forehead emerged when he wiped out the last of the sweat beads. His gallant figure bought an immense change in the expression of the viewers. The standing position brought with it some seriousness, and his eyes made a connection to every single pair in the room.
“The truth” he began “shall set us free. But only if we see it with an open mind”
“Come to the point” roared the President.
“The Universe we live in and study about lies in the cammod of a huge superintelligent alien species.”

A fist struck the table, it was the President “What?” he screamed “Do we look like a fool to you? Are you on cheap dog drugs lately?”

“Let me finish sir! If I fail you, I am too happy to leave this organization without leaving a bad remark.”
The room went silent again.
“Imagine your cammod as a universe, and the liquid at the center of it as the vast collection of dark matter, galaxies, and debris after the big bang, which inevitable says that the big bang which emerged out of infinite density is the poop coming out of butt hole”.
The disgusting faces were the common reaction, some belched but none of them seemed to deny the words.
“The dark matter that wears most of the space is the liquid with extremely high molecular space making itself appear void to our naked eyes. As our galaxies and planets are so small to fit in that cammod, our time is relatively too very slow compared to that alien, which according to my meticulous calculation accounts for our 100million years as a single day in the life of an alien
“We say that the universe is expanding and the black holes suck out planets, but none of us knew where they go, it’s because they are flushed inside, and 65 million years ago during the age of dinosaurs, Earth experienced an intense meteor shower taking away most of the lives. It was not a meteor”
“Oh! Shit!” The President sighed.
“Yes sir, the meteors were real shit”
The wind that was soothing all this time, suddenly turned hot, the toes wanted their skin to reach out the world, the throats sought waters but most of all, the challenge they were put into was too absurd, as to convince a common man into believing that we live in the toilet. It appeared crueler to say that we are products of a shit.
The President asked uneasily “Are you sure about this doctor?”
“I reread the information a thousand times, and the observation fits at every inch of the reality” The faces wanted something more than his word, “What do you think about the gases we breathe and especially why were the planets hot after the big bang. It is too disgusting to imagine, but the truth often throws our expectations away from the horizon. The next meteor shower will occur after 35 million years. Next time, we need not run but to close our nose.” He ended with a faint smile, that was approved by every face.
“Look Dr!, Whatever you’ve presented here, looks too hypothetical and I’ll allot a committee to go through the facts” The President assured out of the blue, he suddenly seemed concerned and satisfied “But, for now, let us keep it out of a common man’s reach. Best of Luck”

The Doctor, who entered the hall from behind took Dr.Ashween back to the white bed and sedated him.
Dr.Ashween, satisfyingly murmured about his victory while drifting into a deep sleep.

The next day, Dr.Ashween was alone scribbling on a piece of paper with his new invention. After engaging himself with a wry smile for about an hour he threw himself out of his office and began walking briskly towards the President’s office. Mudassir Haq interrupted as usual. Instead of conversing, he snatched the paper out of Dr.Ashween’s hand, which was already wet with sweat.
“What is this, good friend?” enquired Haq, with his free hand on Dr.Ashween’s shoulder.
“It’s my new theory of the universe.”
Haq, lowered his head curiously and went through each word,
“The Hamburger Theory!?”

Dr.Ashween took his paper and announced in a friendly tone”Come, let me explain…” he said and walked away.

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